{It's Officially Over}

For anyone who's never had a miscarriage or is going through this experience for the first time, a good way to see if it's really over is to pee on a stick. Yes, that same thing you did eagerly waiting for the plus sign is what you can do to see if it's really over. And for me, it's really over. I've felt like AF could return for the last 2 days and sure enough I just got a BFN. It's over. Now what?

I had my follow-up and it didn't go as I expected. In fact, I was completely caught off guard by what the OB had to say. They didn't get the test results back so I was totally off guard by her question of what our plan is. From there it got worse. I don't even really want to talk about it, just know, it was bad. I left crying.

Next week I should get a call with the results and then I will go from there. If it says genetically our baby was fine -- then that gives me a bit of hope. If it says she had a rare genetic disorder that only occurs in .001% of pregnancies -- well that gives me a little bit more hope. If it says that there is something really really wrong (which making it to 8 weeks and seeing a heartbeat-- it doesn't seem like this is the case)... then I don't know. I know I will officially -- finally -- freak out.

I started counseling this week too. I already want a new counselor. That's how great that went. I have to see him 5 more times and then I go see someone else. Stupid health insurance.

Decisions -- just the word is overwhelming right now. I don't want to think about any decisions. I'm amazed I was able to decide on a place to live. I'm amazed when I can decide what I want to eat. I'm amazed when I can go to work and focus on what I'm doing and not feel like I'm floating.

Anyways. That's where I am right now. It's over, but I'm still waiting.
Infertility sucks.

{Today, I don't feel like a Mother.}

I am a Mother.
I have carried two beautiful babies.
I have loved and dreamed for two beautiful babies.

But today, I don't feel like a Mother.

My arms are empty, but they ache so badly.
I keep thinking about how things could be ... how things are for other people. They get pregnant and the thought that their baby may not survive never even enters into their minds. For me, it's an automatic thought. Why have I been so cursed? Five pregnancies, and no living, growing, breathing babies.

It'll will be 3 weeks on Monday since we lost our second baby. It feels like an eternity ago I was pregnant and so full of hope. It feels like I was reading some one else's story line. It doesn't even feel like that happened to me. I have become an expert actress-- I pretend all day that everything is fine, when in reality my heart is completely broken. People say I am so strong and so wise, but why do I feel so powerless and weak? Why do I feel like my life is out of control?

I listened to a podcast the other night talking about Self-Help that Harms. She talked about the power of positive thinking and affirmations and how if you put it out into the universe it will come to you. I did that. Every day I said "My body will accept this pregnancy and my baby will grow." Every day I was thankful for making it another day. Every day I thought my baby was growing. But the fact is, she died. No matter how hard I thought about it, or relaxed, or affirmed it in my mind-- she died. I feel so utterly stupid for believing that just because I thought things would be okay they would be. I feel like such a complete idiot.

This podcast talked about this after-effect I'm feeling. This sense of failure, that I did something wrong, or that I didn't do it right and I failed. This is a dangerous feeling-- I'm eating my emotions, my self-esteem is in the pits, and my thought process is so cloudy, I can't even make decisions without second and third guessing myself (and these decisions can be as easy as what I want to eat).

I know I can't do this alone-- I've made an appointment with the right person to get started with counseling. But with the holidays it's taken longer to get in.

I have to tell you this story though. The week after I was looking into foster-adoption, and I read through all this information about how many children need homes, what the process is, etc. I talked to DH about it briefly but he brushed it off (and since I haven't been able to talk to him about it-- I haven't even told him this story...). The following week, I was grabbing dinner and got a fortune cookie that said, "Your mind is full of new ideas, make use of them." I thought for a second about the whole adoption thing, but didn't think much of it. Right after, I went to the support group in my area for the first time, and this lady here had lost a baby and then adopted a little girl from foster care. She talked about how much she loves her and how she saved her and on and on. Then she says, "my little girl's name is Emma."

If you believe that sometimes people you've loved who are no longer on earth can send you signs or nudges down the right path, then you will not believe this. My great grandmother who I lost a few years ago... her name was Emma. I felt like meeting this lady and hearing her story was my grandmother showing me my path. And this feeling hasn't gone away in a week. I keep thinking about that and how my job will reimburse me up to $2,000 for adopting a child out of our state's system, and how this lady said she would help me, and how I could finally be a parent and still not give up hope for giving birth (my medical insurance covers most testing and ART).

It's been on my heart all week-- and yesterday especially. I can't help but think that He is trying to show me that a door has been closed, but another has been opened.

But, like I said, I don't trust my own judgement right now making decisions. :-\

{Unfair}

I was fine. I had been fine. I had moments of feeling guilty that I was so fine I was forgetting my dear baby. I had moments of pure sadness. But for the most part, I've been fine.

Today I was fine. Mondays are always hard because it was the start of my new week. I would have been 10 weeks today. I went to work, made it through the day, but it was the on the drive home that this overwhelming sense of sadness came over me and it hit me: my baby died.

It felt like I had just been told all over again.

I was looking forward to the holidays, because for a minute maybe things would feel normal. Now I'm feeling like the holidays won't be as normal as I thought. Holidays are always hard because she, now they, are missing. We were planning on telling our families about the baby at Christmas, and now, I get to sit and pretend everything is okay. When in reality, nothing is okay.

I keep trying to hang on to the fact that it could happen. I think about all of the women I know who are pregnant or recently had babies, and some of them have lost babies like me. They now have babies. It could happen for me. Then I remember it's been 5 times. 5 is such an overwhelming number. Pregnancy and my body have failed 5 times. 5 times I had hopes and dreams and just knew it was going to happen. 5 times I've been crushed beyond what I thought was even possible. 4 times I've survived, the 5th time is still yet to be determined.

This is so unfair.

{Grieving- Not As Easy As You Think}

I would pay a lot of money right now to be able grieve like my DH is.

Yesterday I was fine-- I felt fine, I  made it through the day fine. Today, different story.

This morning, the first thing I saw before waking up were the last two ultrasound pictures I have of my babies. I didn't dream about them last night, but that's what I saw before waking up. Now every time I close my eyes today, they are what I see. That last image on the screen before the "I'm so very sorry but..."

I have to go back to work tomorrow. I'm anxious about going back and being around my co-workers and the kids. Yes I'm physically capable now of doing my job, but emotionally I'm on a completely different planet. I'm hoping the busy-ness and almost robotic nature of this job will help me stayed focused. I remember for several weeks after returning to work in 2009 I was always on the verge of breaking down.

The most vivid memory of feeling this way was when one of my students, 5 years old, asked how my baby was. I was completely caught off-guard because not many of my students knew I was having a baby. I told her that my baby went to heaven and I wouldn't get to see her anymore. With the innocence of a 5 year old, she says to me, "well maybe we can go to heaven and get your baby back for you." I had to fight back the tears.

How I wish it were that easy.

I'm sure going back to work isn't going to be as bad as I'm making it to be in my head. But right now I don't have the emotional capacity to deal with... well, anything.

DH wanted me to go eat and watch football this afternoon and I just didn't feel like it. Of course this led to a fight because he just tells me to quit thinking about it.

How I wish it were that easy.

My body is going back to being not pregnant and I wish it would hurry up. It's painful and stressful to experience those same pregnancy symptoms I delighted in 2 weeks ago again. I gained over 10 lbs from the medications and I guess just general pregnancy weight and now weigh more than I ever have in my entire life. It's not a pretty number and it makes me hate my body even more. Thinking back to how optimistic and full of hope I was makes me feel foolish now. How dare I think that just because I was on medication and was "just relaxing" that I would be able to carry a healthy pregnancy. I squirm in my own skin when DH touches me. I can't even think about things and he is already counting down the time until we can try again.

Grief, you suck.

Today is the last day I'm allowed to just feel sorry for myself, all day. Tomorrow I have to go back to reality. I have to go back to the world where my babies don't exist to anyone but me. Tomorrow I will start eating right again, drinking plenty of water, and run after work. Tomorrow I will put on a happy face and go about my life as if nothing happened. But today, today I get to feel sorry for myself and not think about tomorrow.

{Grieving}

I read this quote today, and it's been on my heart all day.

So many things are on my heart about motherhood and some of them worry me.

But I must remember, it will find a way.

If I'm meant to give birth, the answer & solution will come.

If we're meant to adopt, we will land on that path.

I refuse to believe at this point that we are not meant to parent living children.

♥

Daya. Kaya. Mommy loves you. And misses you, a lot.

{Moving Forward- Empty Uterus, Empty Arms}

The last 24 hours or so, I've been thinking about what's next.

It took me a long time to get to this place after my first loss, because moving forward felt like forgetting or leaving my baby behind. I spent a great deal of time figuring out that moving forward wasn't diminishing the fact I loved and missed my baby every day. Moving forward was in a way honoring her existence by simply acknowledging she changed my life for the better despite not being here with me.

There is no denying that my life does not in any way, shape or form look like the life that I want. In fact, I'm so far from the life I want, it's depressing. Now, after losing my precious baby, I'm even more depressed. Professionally, reproductively, even a tad on the personal level, my life depresses me.

Now that my uterus and arms are painfully empty, I have to do something. I have to move forward and toward the life I want. I feel like my life is slipping away. The main problem is that I've made so many hurtles and obstacles for myself, I don't even know where to begin. I've made so many decisions in the last year or so thinking it would help me get to where I wanted to be, but it's done the opposite. My last career move is the prime example. I was teaching an age group I loved, in a center I loved, with a co-teacher I loved. The insurance was sub-par as far as covering infertility, so when the subject of moving came up, I thought it was my chance to find a better job with better insurance. Instead, I settled for an assistant job, making $2 less per hour, in an age group I don't particularly like. But the insurance. The insurance covers infertility treatments and tests... but I'm so unhappy at work that I have to make myself go to work every day. And each time they deposit my paycheck into my account, a part of me dies because I know I won't have enough money to pay my bills.

The obvious answer would be get a better job. But since we live in such a weird place, there are very few career opportunities for me here. Moving back home, I'd have tons, but there again comes the insurance problem. Moving also means long distance for DH and I again until he can find a job, which after almost a year and a half of looking, I have little faith a job will fall into this lap.

I want to move forward. I need to move forward. And I understand that moving forward does not mean that I do not love Daya or Kaya any less. They will always be my babies and I will always love them and honor them whenever I can. But moving forward isn't a simple next step for me right now and that's scary.

{Good-bye Sweet Baby}

I've been avoiding this blog for awhile. We left for a short trip to NC on Wednesday night and I felt funny. By Friday night, I was bleeding. Scared and 10 hours from home, I called the doctor who assured me there was nothing I did or nothing I could do. We set up a scan for Monday morning. I knew Saturday that something was not right. I no longer "felt pregnant".

Still, we cried and hoped that our sweet baby was okay. I hoped that we would see a strong, healthy 8 week old fetus on the screen and my fears would go away.

Yesterday morning I said good-bye. We were on the highway on our way to the doctor and I knew. I knew, just like with my daughter in 2009, that my baby has gotten its wings. I told my baby that I loved her and it was okay.

They got me in right away, and the ultrasound confirmed what I already knew. My baby was a perfectly formed 8 week fetus, with no heartbeat. Our sweet baby was gone.

The doctor immediately went into "best outcome possible" mode and scheduled the D&C right away giving us the best possible outcome for pathology. I feel weird that my baby was taken out of me and sent to a lab for tests. I almost feel guilty that I just sent her away like that. But I know deep down I didn't send my baby, because my baby is in heaven with her sister.

I decided on a name today. We've named her "Baby Kaya", which means "child of wisdom". My hope is that Baby Kaya's brief life gives us the gift of knowledge so that this never happens again. My hope is that the "good" to come from this precious gift I've been given is the answers to questions that haven't been answered so far on this journey.

I keep thinking about the book, "Heaven is for Real". I read it over the summer in about 3 hours. The entire time I had goosebumps. I hope and pray that Daya (my daughter I lost in 2009) has found Kaya and they are together. That they are happy and they take care of each other. I hope they both know how much I love and miss them and wish they could both be here with me. I hope they know how thankful I am for their lives and the gifts they've given me.

Physically, I'm fine. I've had little pain. Emotionally, I'm completely empty. I apologized to DH for not being a good wife or friend lately. I found this while looking at help with grief tonight and posted it on my facebook for my close friends to see:

"Dear Friend,
Please be patient with me; I need to grieve in my own way and in my own time. Please don't take away my grief or try to fix my pain. The best thing you can do is listen to me and let me cry on your shoulder. Don't be afraid to cry with me. Your tears will tell me how much you care. Please forgive me if I seem insensitive to your problems. I feel depleted and drained, like an empty vessel, with nothing left to give. Please let me express my feelings and talk about my memories. Please understand why I must turn a deaf ear to criticism or tired cliche'."

I've been down this road so many times, but honestly, I don't know what to expect. I feel like a professional griever. But this seems to different. For the first time in a long time I don't know where my journey is going next.

{Definitely the Little Baby That Could}

Definitely. Definitely. Definitely!

This baby is growing. So take that incompetent doctor!

I went to the new doctor today and it was like night and day. Not only did I speak to an actual doctor, she came up with an actual plan to treat what we already know I have working against me, AND she ran more tests "just to be safe". Home run new doctor.

Home run.

Part of the plan was a repeat ultrasound. This made me very, very, very nervous. I had to wait until their regularly scheduled patients had all been seen. As I'm sitting there my hands are shaking, my stomach is in knots, and I think I got up to pee at least three times. Finally I get in and hands are still shaking. The tech was super nice and checks everything then puts it up on the big screen. She points to the baby and says, "there is your absolutely perfect little baby." The heart rate was 113, up from Monday, and everything looked perfect. The doctor came in and agreed. I was so relieved.

I'm 6w2d today. Exactly where I should be with a 43 day cycle. I am so, so, so thankful. I'm still pregnant and everything is fine. ♥

{Take that, incompetant doctor.}

After posting here yesterday I decided to look into other OB offices in the area. I checked my insurance again and there was one doctor listed who wasn't a part of a big group. I check out the website and low and behold, "Infertility" is listed on her site under services! I called and asked the receptionist if the doctor had experience with recurrent miscarriage and pregnancy after loss and she said absolutely. I then tell her what's going on and she says, hang on a moment sweetie, let me look at the schedule. I was afraid she'd say the next appointment was a week away, but she comes back and says, we can get you in Thursday morning. Thursday morning? With no arguments? Heck yes I'll take it. I instantly felt better and felt like maybe I had found an office that actually understood and will give me the appropriate care I need.

I feel guilty about my first pregnancy. I knew something was wrong but I was afraid to stand up for myself. I blame myself for losing my daughter. For not getting the care I knew deep down I needed. I will not let that happen again. I will drive the 300 miles back and pay out of pocket to see my old doctors if I do not find a doctor here that I feel comfortable with and who I feel is given me the treatment I need.

Hopefully tomorrow morning I will be at a better place with a doctor I trust.

{Scared}

I'm home. I called in to work this morning and I thought at first it was because I didn't feel good. As I snoozed I realized that that is not it. I'm scared. Having a "medical professional" tell me I'm going to lose my precious little one at any moment ... who would want to function in their normal life? What if I'm at work if it starts? What if I'm driving? What if I'm standing in line at the store? Or worse, what if it happens and I don't even know?

Thank you midwife for scaring me into not wanting to go anywhere but my bed.

I'm also scared I'll move the wrong way, eat the wrong thing, or do too much walking and cause it to happen. There was a little of that before, but now. Forget about it. I'm scared to death.

I realize this is all borderline crazy and I realize that nothing I do short of not taking my meds will cause this... but still. To be told that you are going to miscarry, not "maybe", not "it's a possibility" {which it's always a possibility}, or "watch out for this or that".... no, to be told. "you. are. going. to miscarry." Who does that?

Besides the mad and scared, I'm also happy with each passing hour that it doesn't happen. Ha! I think, you were wrong lady!! I looked at ultrasound pictures week by week last night and mine looks like a perfectly normal 6w scan according to this site. I realize that the Internet isn't the most reliable source, but it put me at ease.

Ugh. I'm going to be like this until next Monday aren't I? Scared of everything, on pins and needles, feeling every little thing in my body, second guessing every thing... I can do this. I can make it to next Monday and my hope is that everything is going to be alright.

So right now, I'm pregnant. There is a little beating heart. And everything is okay.
Hopefully I can talk some reason into myself...

{The Little Baby That Could?}

I was a nervous wreck all weekend and it only got worse... last night I tossed and turned and woke up every hour afraid I'd overslept. We headed to the office and go in to the dark room. My heart was beating out of my chest. As soon as the screen came up, I saw the little sac and the fluttering heartbeat. I almost started crying... She says the heart rate is 104, and you're measuring around 5 weeks. I was so full of joy. There was the tiny flutter I had hoped for.

Then the appointment went downhill.

First. I have no idea why they are making me see the midwife. The deal with this office is that you have to have your "First OB Appointment" before you see your doctor. I had scheduled it for this Wednesday. I have a doctor picked out {I think}. I go in to see the midwife. She asks about my pregnancy symptoms. I say they are all going strong, but no morning sickness yet. She asks if I'm spotting/cramping, I said nope. Then she says... Well, I don't want to give you false hope, but you're going to miscarry.

W.T.H.?

I'm completely caught off guard by this.

She says the baby is small and the heart rate is too slow and I need to prepare to go to the ER this week.

W.T.H.? Again.

Ok, I'll give you that by my dates I should be 8 weeks. But how many times do I have to have to explain to her that my cycles are 40-50 days. She doesn't seem to understand that I didn't get a BFP until day 43. So yes, by my dates, I'm 3 weeks behind. However, every due date calculator I've used online that takes into account your cycle length {this is the best one I've found: http://www.pregnology.com/} says I'm somewhere in the late 5w - 6w range. Then Dr. Google also says that 104 is a perfectly fine heart rate for an early pregnancy {like the tech said}.

So she has me now crying convinced that my baby is going to die. She says to cancel my first OB appointment {which is what I need according to these people to see a doctor} and to schedule another viability scan next Monday. She then tells me to prepare myself.

I walk out so upset. I almost didn't go to work, but gathered myself and did. I did my research and realized this lady probably has no experience with high-risk pregnancies, or women who do not have a 28-day cycle. My plan is to call the office tomorrow and demand to see a doctor after my scan on Monday. If they say no because I don't have my first OB appointment done, I will kindly remind them they cancelled it for me, and then ask again. If they do not let me see a doctor, I'm going to find a new doctor.

I'm so over this doctor's office. I'm so over being told one thing, then told some thing else. My hope is that this little baby proves her wrong. Because this mama is already totally in love. ♥

{5 days turned into 2}

I got a call this afternoon from the doctor's office. Apparently, when they confirmed my ultrasound for Wednesday, there was no ultrasound to confirm. {I'm losing faith in this OB office by the minute.} So they rescheduled me for Monday morning at 9am. I'm glad they said Monday because Thursday or Friday and I would have been livid. Liv. vid. The only downside was telling the supervisor that I was going to be late on Monday. My job isn't one where I can just take a morning off no problem, they have to find someone to replace me and 1 day's notice is frowned upon. Luckily it worked out. I can already see being a high-risk-pregnant-lady and this job are going to be problematic. Sorry job, this pregnancy is my top priority right now.

I have 2 days. I'm a mix of emotions right now. Part of me is excited-- I see going in there and seeing my little one and hearing the heartbeat and being happy and excited and crying. I see carrying a baby full term and delivering and my dream coming true. This part of me is primarily my heart because I know from the bottom to top of my heart that I am a mother and I want a child more than anything.

The other part of me is protecting me. It's preparing for bad news... or no news... or confusion. It's preparing for those dreaded words, "I'm so sorry but..." It's thinking about all of the ultrasounds I had and all the bad news I got. It's going back to finding no heartbeat with my daughter at 16w. It's going back to being told my next pregnancy was ectopic and had to be ended. It's going back to those moments when I felt like the whole world was against me.

It's hard going from excited to nervous in the same 5 minutes. I'm trying not to think about it and just enjoy this.

This pregnancy so far has been smooth. Everything is right on track. It has been completely different from my last 4. I hope and pray that this pregnancy will be completely successful. For the next 2 days, I am pregnant. For the next 2 days, nothing is wrong. For the next 2 days, I will enjoy this and be thankful.

{More Good News}

Yesterday I went for my 3rd beta draw to check on my numbers, and I got the results today. Everything is right on track. {Phew.} The nurse confirmed my appointment and ultrasound for next Wednesday. Next Wednesday we will get to see what's going on in there, but I'm hoping it's a little one with a strong heartbeat. {FX} 6 days. It feels like it's been an eternity since I got that BFP and it's going to be an eternity waiting for Wednesday.

I feel like the more good news I get, the more I let my guard down. My guard is protecting me right now from getting "attached" to this pregnancy and being completely heartbroken if I get bad news. I realize beta numbers indicate that my hormones are headed in the right directions, but it's not an indication that it's a "viable" pregnancy. I really wish they would have done an ultrasound sooner. {And I can't help but think that if I could have gone back to see my old doctors they would have by now.} I'm trying to remain at a healthy distance but also enjoy the fact that I am pregnant. I mean, this is what I've been wanting for a very, very, very long time. So I have a right to enjoy it, and hope... but at the same time, my guard will stay up just because I know all that can go wrong.

I've been the 1 in 4 women who experience miscarriage 4 times. The odds have always been against me. But for some reason this time I feel like I get to be those 3 other women who carry a pregnancy full term and bring home a healthy baby.

6 days. For 6 more days I get to enjoy this pregnancy and nothing is wrong. For 6 more days I get to dream and hope. Once again, I am so grateful to be here right now. ♥

{Exhausted & Hungry}

On Friday after a long, kinda stressful week I told myself I was going to relax this weekend and put my feet up. Didn't happen exactly, but I'm still feeling okay. I am always tired and always hungry. Or thirsty. I feel like I'm constantly drinking and it's never enough.

I also feel like I'm hyper aware of my body. I'm watching every. little. thing. And I feel like I feel every. little. thing. I know what I'm feeling is typical of early pregnancy-- tired, hungry, achy, etc. And I know some of it is exaggerated by the medicines I'm on. I hope that because I'm feeling so "normal" that this means everything is okay in there. But I now that every pregnancy is different and that I won't know anything for sure until I see that tiny flickering heartbeat. 10 days. Just 10 more days.

October 15th was yesterday and I feel like I neglected it with how busy DH and I were yesterday. I was defnitely a little more sad and thought about my precious Angels through-out the day. I kept thinking about how my life would be so different if things had turned out differently. It makes my heart ache.

I am hopeful for an uneventful week with a good beta result. I am hopeful for peace of mind. I am so thankful to be pregnant and be hopeful right now.

{Good News? It's Been Awhile...}

For the first time in a little over 2 years, I got good news today. I called this afternoon for the results of my second beta I went in for early this morning, and the nurse says, "your levels rose appropriately." I said, "excuse me?" and she said it again. Good news. Wow, it's been awhile since we've talked.

I'm not out of the woods yet {I think that I will never feel "out of the woods" until I have a healthy, screaming newborn in my arms} .... but I'm in a good place. I'm still pregnant and everything is okay. I feel good. I feel confident. And I'm taking it one day at a time.

The plan from here is another blood test Wednesday next week {I asked for this-- just to be sure the numbers were okay before my first appointment}, then the following Wednesday I have an ultrasound and appointment scheduled. Ultrasounds scare me. It's been ages since I've gotten good news in the confines of an ultrasound. This time though, my wonderful DH will be accompanying me and my plan is for us to see our little one for the first time.

I am so thankful for the last 7 days and for the simple fact that I am pregnant.

{Waiting Game}

Bright and early this morning I headed to the doctor's office. After figuring out the "check in process" I was seen by the mid-wife. Half-way into my extensive history, she looks at me and says, "you need a doctor ASAP." I wanted to tell her "that's what I told you all yesterday, but this was what I could get." Since I'm not experiencing any "unsettling" things... she sent me for a beta and told me to figure out which doctor I wanted to see. She also scheduled an ultrasound for my 8 week appointment. This little thing made me feel like a "normal pregnant" lady...


So I'm waiting on results from the blood test. I knew I wouldn't hear anything today, but I'm hoping in the morning. If I don't hear anything I am probably going to call on my lunch. I know they said they'd call after my second beta, but I would kinda like to know my number from today ASAP. They have this amazing web-based program to manage your Rx and lab results and after I get put into their system I can look up results on my own. I'm fairly excited about that.


I decided today that I just wanted to enjoy being pregnant for the next 24 hours and I have. I daydreamed {against my better judgement} about having a bump, giving birth to a healthy, beautiful baby, announcing at Christmas we are expecting... all the wonderful things that a healthy pregnancy will bring. I researched exercising and how much water I need each day... I looked at healthy recipes to prepare to give my body and baby what it needs. It was absolutely wonderful to be that pregnant lady-- the one who doesn't expect anything to go wrong. To live in that innocence I lost in March 2009.


On the way home I started to feel really bad... not sick, just not right. And immediately I'm taken back to the what-if's... what if my numbers aren't high enough? What if they don't double? What if I make it a few weeks but miscarry again? What if there is no heartbeat? What if... These are all what if's I lived through and survived ... if. Such a funny word. One definition of if is "uncertain possibility". And that's what I'm facing an uncertain possibility. And really, I have little to no control over the situation.


I found myself trying to bargain with God once I started feeling bad. "If you let me keep this baby, I promise to be happy forever and not ask for anything ever again." ... "If you let me keep this baby, I promise to quit my job and help foster kids and shelter animals for the rest of my life." ... "If you let me keep this baby I will..." and the list goes on. As if I could make a deal with God to let this pregnancy be healthy. Then I remember, God already knows how much I want this baby. He already knows how much I love my Angels. He already knows how angry I am that my babies are in heaven and not here with me. I can't barter my way into a healthy pregnancy.


The bottom line is a healthy pregnancy is not something we earn, or something we are awarded. We are not owed a baby after finishing college, getting married, getting a stellar job, and buying a house. We are not owed a baby after losing one {unfortunately}. We are not awarded the privileged and honor of raising a baby. We get lucky. Pregnancy is luck and chance... a combination of circumstances, events, etc., operating by chance to bring good or ill to a person. People who get pregnant easily are lucky, they are not better than us, they are not more deserving than us... they just won the baby lottery. And as much as I hate it-- I feel the same way when a friend has a baby that I would feel if they won a million dollars. Why them and not me? I need a million dollars {baby} just as much as they did.

Anyways. I have a few more precious hours of being pregnant and everything being ok... I am going to enjoy it and hope and pray that everything is ok and will continue to be okay until June. Fingers crossed.

{The Great Doctor Run-Around & How I'm Feeling}

So I will admit first that I was the one who moved away from my great team of doctors I had. I had good reasons to move... but I also knew I'd have to find new doctors. What I didn't expect was to be pregnant before finding said doctor.

The last time I saw doctors A {for future reference this is my original team of doctors}, they ran some tests which came back normal {I hate the word normal as it relates to my fertility woes- normal means 'we don't know what's wrong'}, so I was referred to an Reproductive Endocrinologist {RE}. I found the ONLY one who works in this area and got the next available appointment which was 2 months from the day. My plan was to work-out, eat right, and not worry about trying to get pregnant because that was her job. So, stupidly {in hindsight} I didn't make an appointment with a new "regular" OB GYN {doctors B from now on}.

Well, surprise. You're pregnant.

And by golly, give yourself a gold star because you've stayed pregnant for 5 whole days!

So this morning out of fear that it could be chemical {again} or heaven forbid ectopic {again}, I called doctors B to make an appointment. I politely explained my history and my situation and apologized for finding myself pregnant. Transferred to nurse. Explain again. She then tells me that since I have no established care here they can't see me until I'm 8 weeks {in roughly 2 weeks}. I explain again that I am high-risk and need to have my levels monitored in early pregnancy. Told then to call doctors A who are over 3 hours away. What?! I make the silly 8 week appointment and go to work.

At this point, I'm turned off by this place, however, they are the only ones who have an RE and accept my insurance.

I call doctors A and explain... they say flat out they were not order the blood tests because what if something is wrong? What are they going to do about it 3 hours away. I understand. The lovely nurse tells me to lie {ha ha} and say I'm cramping and spotting to get in quicker. I hatch a better plan.

I call doctors B back. Explain it to receptionist who transfers me to nurse. Explain my WHOLE situation again, but this time I add that my anxiety levels are through the roof because I'm scared something could be wrong, like an ectopic AGAIN, and I'm sure this can't be healthy for a new pregnancy.

{Which in reality, my anxiety levels are pretty good considering.}

Bingo! Well we can get you in tomorrow at 8:20am with the nurse practitioner who can order labs. But then of course she added, this won't be your full first appointment, you'll still have to come back for that.

I tell her that's fine, I'd rather get peace of mind from having my beta's drawn so I know my numbers are ok.

I think at this point, she realizes I'm not your typical newly-pregnant-lady. I'm well informed and aware of the care I need, and I will stand up for myself to get it. I'm not really impressed thus far with doctors B, but I have little choice. I really think I'll end up back home to see my old high-risk specialist at least once.

So after all that, I'm finally set. I tell work I need to come in late and all is set.

In other news, in a panic a few months ago, I bought 50 pregnancy test strips from Amazon.com. I mean at 21 cents a piece they are a steal. So that's what I've been using to test. The line has gotten darker each morning which has given me a great deal of peace of mind, but I decided this afternoon that one of those fancy digital tests which has a higher HCG tolerance would at least let me know my levels were over 25. So I picked up a few on the way home and low and behold....

Seeing in print brings a whole new level to this.

I'm kind of surprised that my anxiety level isn't through the roof... but from the moment I found out I've been sort of detached and at peace. My mantra is "my body will accept and nourish this pregnancy" and whenever I find myself getting nervous, I just say that over and over again. It has helped a lot. While I realize that anything could still go wrong, for some reason I feel like it's going to be okay.

{Quick Intro}

I'm no stranger to blogging. I've blogged randomly for years. Something though that I've always kept quiet about was my every day struggle as a bereaved mother and my unexplained (to-date) infertility. This is such a huge part of who I am, and I've always felt like it's not something I can talk about or something I'm allowed to talk about. And I'm not alone. I know several bereaved parents and mothers and fathers struggling with fertility who just keep quiet.

I'm breaking MY silence.

Well, at least anonymously. This right now is the safest way for me to talk about it and not feel like I'm putting it all out there... when I am. Sort of. One day in the future I may be brave enough to break my silence publicly, but for now, I'll just remain anonymous.

My quick backstory:
- seemingly healthy, a bit overweight 27 years old, TTC {& stay pregnant} for 1.5 years
- 1st pregnancy: late "miscarriage" at 16w {early 2009}
- 2nd pregnancy: ecoptic found at 6w, treated with chemotherapy, no complications { mid-2010}
- meds from ectopic cause complications with gallbladder/liver, gallbladder removed
- See specialist - tests normal except for MTHFR and blood clotting disorder, put on meds
- 3rd pregnancy: chemical, or miscarriage at 5-6w {early 2011}
- 4th pregnancy: chemical, or miscarriage at 5-6w {a few months later}
- See specialist again- tests still normal {summer 2011}
- Move for career and love, make appointment with RE in 2 months
- 5th pregnancy: currently still getting BFPs, hoping for a sticky baby

So there it is. I'm 0/4 in the reproduction arena, and hoping soon to carry a pregnancy full term. The first specialist proved to be of little help, so I'm hoping the RE can get to the bottom of what's really going on.

Infertility and baby loss are two of the hardest things a woman can face in life-- and one of the least acknowledged or understood.