{Good-bye Sweet Baby}

I've been avoiding this blog for awhile. We left for a short trip to NC on Wednesday night and I felt funny. By Friday night, I was bleeding. Scared and 10 hours from home, I called the doctor who assured me there was nothing I did or nothing I could do. We set up a scan for Monday morning. I knew Saturday that something was not right. I no longer "felt pregnant".

Still, we cried and hoped that our sweet baby was okay. I hoped that we would see a strong, healthy 8 week old fetus on the screen and my fears would go away.

Yesterday morning I said good-bye. We were on the highway on our way to the doctor and I knew. I knew, just like with my daughter in 2009, that my baby has gotten its wings. I told my baby that I loved her and it was okay.

They got me in right away, and the ultrasound confirmed what I already knew. My baby was a perfectly formed 8 week fetus, with no heartbeat. Our sweet baby was gone.

The doctor immediately went into "best outcome possible" mode and scheduled the D&C right away giving us the best possible outcome for pathology. I feel weird that my baby was taken out of me and sent to a lab for tests. I almost feel guilty that I just sent her away like that. But I know deep down I didn't send my baby, because my baby is in heaven with her sister.

I decided on a name today. We've named her "Baby Kaya", which means "child of wisdom". My hope is that Baby Kaya's brief life gives us the gift of knowledge so that this never happens again. My hope is that the "good" to come from this precious gift I've been given is the answers to questions that haven't been answered so far on this journey.

I keep thinking about the book, "Heaven is for Real". I read it over the summer in about 3 hours. The entire time I had goosebumps. I hope and pray that Daya (my daughter I lost in 2009) has found Kaya and they are together. That they are happy and they take care of each other. I hope they both know how much I love and miss them and wish they could both be here with me. I hope they know how thankful I am for their lives and the gifts they've given me.

Physically, I'm fine. I've had little pain. Emotionally, I'm completely empty. I apologized to DH for not being a good wife or friend lately. I found this while looking at help with grief tonight and posted it on my facebook for my close friends to see:

"Dear Friend,
Please be patient with me; I need to grieve in my own way and in my own time. Please don't take away my grief or try to fix my pain. The best thing you can do is listen to me and let me cry on your shoulder. Don't be afraid to cry with me. Your tears will tell me how much you care. Please forgive me if I seem insensitive to your problems. I feel depleted and drained, like an empty vessel, with nothing left to give. Please let me express my feelings and talk about my memories. Please understand why I must turn a deaf ear to criticism or tired cliche'."

I've been down this road so many times, but honestly, I don't know what to expect. I feel like a professional griever. But this seems to different. For the first time in a long time I don't know where my journey is going next.