{Unfair}

I was fine. I had been fine. I had moments of feeling guilty that I was so fine I was forgetting my dear baby. I had moments of pure sadness. But for the most part, I've been fine.

Today I was fine. Mondays are always hard because it was the start of my new week. I would have been 10 weeks today. I went to work, made it through the day, but it was the on the drive home that this overwhelming sense of sadness came over me and it hit me: my baby died.

It felt like I had just been told all over again.

I was looking forward to the holidays, because for a minute maybe things would feel normal. Now I'm feeling like the holidays won't be as normal as I thought. Holidays are always hard because she, now they, are missing. We were planning on telling our families about the baby at Christmas, and now, I get to sit and pretend everything is okay. When in reality, nothing is okay.

I keep trying to hang on to the fact that it could happen. I think about all of the women I know who are pregnant or recently had babies, and some of them have lost babies like me. They now have babies. It could happen for me. Then I remember it's been 5 times. 5 is such an overwhelming number. Pregnancy and my body have failed 5 times. 5 times I had hopes and dreams and just knew it was going to happen. 5 times I've been crushed beyond what I thought was even possible. 4 times I've survived, the 5th time is still yet to be determined.

This is so unfair.