Bright and early this morning I headed to the doctor's office. After figuring out the "check in process" I was seen by the mid-wife. Half-way into my extensive history, she looks at me and says, "you need a doctor ASAP." I wanted to tell her "that's what I told you all yesterday, but this was what I could get." Since I'm not experiencing any "unsettling" things... she sent me for a beta and told me to figure out which doctor I wanted to see. She also scheduled an ultrasound for my 8 week appointment. This little thing made me feel like a "normal pregnant" lady...
So I'm waiting on results from the blood test. I knew I wouldn't hear anything today, but I'm hoping in the morning. If I don't hear anything I am probably going to call on my lunch. I know they said they'd call after my second beta, but I would kinda like to know my number from today ASAP. They have this amazing web-based program to manage your Rx and lab results and after I get put into their system I can look up results on my own. I'm fairly excited about that.
I decided today that I just wanted to enjoy being pregnant for the next 24 hours and I have. I daydreamed {against my better judgement} about having a bump, giving birth to a healthy, beautiful baby, announcing at Christmas we are expecting... all the wonderful things that a healthy pregnancy will bring. I researched exercising and how much water I need each day... I looked at healthy recipes to prepare to give my body and baby what it needs. It was absolutely wonderful to be that pregnant lady-- the one who doesn't expect anything to go wrong. To live in that innocence I lost in March 2009.
On the way home I started to feel really bad... not sick, just not right. And immediately I'm taken back to the what-if's... what if my numbers aren't high enough? What if they don't double? What if I make it a few weeks but miscarry again? What if there is no heartbeat? What if... These are all what if's I lived through and survived ... if. Such a funny word. One definition of if is "uncertain possibility". And that's what I'm facing an uncertain possibility. And really, I have little to no control over the situation.
I found myself trying to bargain with God once I started feeling bad. "If you let me keep this baby, I promise to be happy forever and not ask for anything ever again." ... "If you let me keep this baby, I promise to quit my job and help foster kids and shelter animals for the rest of my life." ... "If you let me keep this baby I will..." and the list goes on. As if I could make a deal with God to let this pregnancy be healthy. Then I remember, God already knows how much I want this baby. He already knows how much I love my Angels. He already knows how angry I am that my babies are in heaven and not here with me. I can't barter my way into a healthy pregnancy.
The bottom line is a healthy pregnancy is not something we earn, or something we are awarded. We are not owed a baby after finishing college, getting married, getting a stellar job, and buying a house. We are not owed a baby after losing one {unfortunately}. We are not awarded the privileged and honor of raising a baby. We get lucky. Pregnancy is luck and chance... a combination of circumstances, events, etc., operating by chance to bring good or ill to a person. People who get pregnant easily are lucky, they are not better than us, they are not more deserving than us... they just won the baby lottery. And as much as I hate it-- I feel the same way when a friend has a baby that I would feel if they won a million dollars. Why them and not me? I need a million dollars {baby} just as much as they did.
Anyways. I have a few more precious hours of being pregnant and everything being ok... I am going to enjoy it and hope and pray that everything is ok and will continue to be okay until June. Fingers crossed.
No comments:
Post a Comment