Yesterday I was fine-- I felt fine, I made it through the day fine. Today, different story.
This morning, the first thing I saw before waking up were the last two ultrasound pictures I have of my babies. I didn't dream about them last night, but that's what I saw before waking up. Now every time I close my eyes today, they are what I see. That last image on the screen before the "I'm so very sorry but..."
I have to go back to work tomorrow. I'm anxious about going back and being around my co-workers and the kids. Yes I'm physically capable now of doing my job, but emotionally I'm on a completely different planet. I'm hoping the busy-ness and almost robotic nature of this job will help me stayed focused. I remember for several weeks after returning to work in 2009 I was always on the verge of breaking down.
The most vivid memory of feeling this way was when one of my students, 5 years old, asked how my baby was. I was completely caught off-guard because not many of my students knew I was having a baby. I told her that my baby went to heaven and I wouldn't get to see her anymore. With the innocence of a 5 year old, she says to me, "well maybe we can go to heaven and get your baby back for you." I had to fight back the tears.
How I wish it were that easy.
I'm sure going back to work isn't going to be as bad as I'm making it to be in my head. But right now I don't have the emotional capacity to deal with... well, anything.
DH wanted me to go eat and watch football this afternoon and I just didn't feel like it. Of course this led to a fight because he just tells me to quit thinking about it.
How I wish it were that easy.
My body is going back to being not pregnant and I wish it would hurry up. It's painful and stressful to experience those same pregnancy symptoms I delighted in 2 weeks ago again. I gained over 10 lbs from the medications and I guess just general pregnancy weight and now weigh more than I ever have in my entire life. It's not a pretty number and it makes me hate my body even more. Thinking back to how optimistic and full of hope I was makes me feel foolish now. How dare I think that just because I was on medication and was "just relaxing" that I would be able to carry a healthy pregnancy. I squirm in my own skin when DH touches me. I can't even think about things and he is already counting down the time until we can try again.
Grief, you suck.
Today is the last day I'm allowed to just feel sorry for myself, all day. Tomorrow I have to go back to reality. I have to go back to the world where my babies don't exist to anyone but me. Tomorrow I will start eating right again, drinking plenty of water, and run after work. Tomorrow I will put on a happy face and go about my life as if nothing happened. But today, today I get to feel sorry for myself and not think about tomorrow.
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