{It's Been Awhile}

So it's been awhile. Honestly, I took a much needed break from everything infertility and TTC. But now, it's over.

A few months ago I had the most frustrating doctor experience to date. I went to see the MFM doctor (high risk OB), and after 3 hours of searching for last lab results, I was given the worst advice ever: keep taking your vitamins. Anyways, at this point I lost all faith in the doctors around here.

Fast forward to two weeks ago, and I start having off and on pregnancy symptoms. We weren't trying, but weren't preventing as well as we should... I take a test. Faint positive. I watch over a few days, and the line gets darker. However, I'm bleeding. After 5 days of this, I finally go to the ER. They do a urine test and tell me its negative (um, that's funny, I just did one two hours ago and it was positive). So they say they're going to do a beta-quant. I wait 2 hours and get tons of bad advice from the ER doctor and physician's assistant for them to tell me my beta is only 25 and I'm miscarrying again. I leave, make it all the way home, then lose it. Again? Really, wtf body?

I pretty much write off the pregnancy at this point and go about my life as normal. I stop testing because at this point I'm bleeding and cramping like a period/early miscarriage. On Friday I got a pool/gym membership and planned on going to swim on Saturday since the bleeding had stopped. But just to be sure, I test Saturday morning and low and behold, a BFP. Yes I know it takes awhile for the hcg to leave your body, but we're talking a dark BFP... not a < 25 BFP. I go buy two different HPTs, both dark BFPs. So I'm still pregnant, "more" pregnant than last week. Call doctor, she is unhelpful, tells me to wait it out and see her this week. (Really? Is ordering another beta too much to ask?)

I didn't take my meds this past week because I was told it was a miscarriage. I picked up my kiddos I watch all week because I thought I was miscarrying. I ate like crap because I was eating my emotions all week. I drank way too much soda on more than one occasion this week because I was supposed to be miscarrying. But surprise! You're still pregnant despite bleeding like crazy and having a very low beta.

I go back on my medicine. Go back to drinking plenty of healthy liquids. And resting.

So now I'm waiting and second guessing everything I did last week and hoping for maybe a miracle. I'm not sure when I'll be able to get in to see the doctor. Part of me just wants to get the bad news out of the way-- go in and get it over with. The more hopeful part of me is thinking maybe this pregnancy is okay. But that part of me has been shattered on more than one occasion.

And while all of this is going on, I realize today that I would be getting ready to give birth to Kaya if she hadn't of died. :( 

{Scared}

I'm home. I called in to work this morning and I thought at first it was because I didn't feel good. As I snoozed I realized that that is not it. I'm scared. Having a "medical professional" tell me I'm going to lose my precious little one at any moment ... who would want to function in their normal life? What if I'm at work if it starts? What if I'm driving? What if I'm standing in line at the store? Or worse, what if it happens and I don't even know?

Thank you midwife for scaring me into not wanting to go anywhere but my bed.

I'm also scared I'll move the wrong way, eat the wrong thing, or do too much walking and cause it to happen. There was a little of that before, but now. Forget about it. I'm scared to death.

I realize this is all borderline crazy and I realize that nothing I do short of not taking my meds will cause this... but still. To be told that you are going to miscarry, not "maybe", not "it's a possibility" {which it's always a possibility}, or "watch out for this or that".... no, to be told. "you. are. going. to miscarry." Who does that?

Besides the mad and scared, I'm also happy with each passing hour that it doesn't happen. Ha! I think, you were wrong lady!! I looked at ultrasound pictures week by week last night and mine looks like a perfectly normal 6w scan according to this site. I realize that the Internet isn't the most reliable source, but it put me at ease.

Ugh. I'm going to be like this until next Monday aren't I? Scared of everything, on pins and needles, feeling every little thing in my body, second guessing every thing... I can do this. I can make it to next Monday and my hope is that everything is going to be alright.

So right now, I'm pregnant. There is a little beating heart. And everything is okay.
Hopefully I can talk some reason into myself...