{Scared}

I'm home. I called in to work this morning and I thought at first it was because I didn't feel good. As I snoozed I realized that that is not it. I'm scared. Having a "medical professional" tell me I'm going to lose my precious little one at any moment ... who would want to function in their normal life? What if I'm at work if it starts? What if I'm driving? What if I'm standing in line at the store? Or worse, what if it happens and I don't even know?

Thank you midwife for scaring me into not wanting to go anywhere but my bed.

I'm also scared I'll move the wrong way, eat the wrong thing, or do too much walking and cause it to happen. There was a little of that before, but now. Forget about it. I'm scared to death.

I realize this is all borderline crazy and I realize that nothing I do short of not taking my meds will cause this... but still. To be told that you are going to miscarry, not "maybe", not "it's a possibility" {which it's always a possibility}, or "watch out for this or that".... no, to be told. "you. are. going. to miscarry." Who does that?

Besides the mad and scared, I'm also happy with each passing hour that it doesn't happen. Ha! I think, you were wrong lady!! I looked at ultrasound pictures week by week last night and mine looks like a perfectly normal 6w scan according to this site. I realize that the Internet isn't the most reliable source, but it put me at ease.

Ugh. I'm going to be like this until next Monday aren't I? Scared of everything, on pins and needles, feeling every little thing in my body, second guessing every thing... I can do this. I can make it to next Monday and my hope is that everything is going to be alright.

So right now, I'm pregnant. There is a little beating heart. And everything is okay.
Hopefully I can talk some reason into myself...