{Quick Intro}

I'm no stranger to blogging. I've blogged randomly for years. Something though that I've always kept quiet about was my every day struggle as a bereaved mother and my unexplained (to-date) infertility. This is such a huge part of who I am, and I've always felt like it's not something I can talk about or something I'm allowed to talk about. And I'm not alone. I know several bereaved parents and mothers and fathers struggling with fertility who just keep quiet.

I'm breaking MY silence.

Well, at least anonymously. This right now is the safest way for me to talk about it and not feel like I'm putting it all out there... when I am. Sort of. One day in the future I may be brave enough to break my silence publicly, but for now, I'll just remain anonymous.

My quick backstory:
- seemingly healthy, a bit overweight 27 years old, TTC {& stay pregnant} for 1.5 years
- 1st pregnancy: late "miscarriage" at 16w {early 2009}
- 2nd pregnancy: ecoptic found at 6w, treated with chemotherapy, no complications { mid-2010}
- meds from ectopic cause complications with gallbladder/liver, gallbladder removed
- See specialist - tests normal except for MTHFR and blood clotting disorder, put on meds
- 3rd pregnancy: chemical, or miscarriage at 5-6w {early 2011}
- 4th pregnancy: chemical, or miscarriage at 5-6w {a few months later}
- See specialist again- tests still normal {summer 2011}
- Move for career and love, make appointment with RE in 2 months
- 5th pregnancy: currently still getting BFPs, hoping for a sticky baby

So there it is. I'm 0/4 in the reproduction arena, and hoping soon to carry a pregnancy full term. The first specialist proved to be of little help, so I'm hoping the RE can get to the bottom of what's really going on.

Infertility and baby loss are two of the hardest things a woman can face in life-- and one of the least acknowledged or understood.