{Today, I don't feel like a Mother.}

I am a Mother.
I have carried two beautiful babies.
I have loved and dreamed for two beautiful babies.

But today, I don't feel like a Mother.

My arms are empty, but they ache so badly.
I keep thinking about how things could be ... how things are for other people. They get pregnant and the thought that their baby may not survive never even enters into their minds. For me, it's an automatic thought. Why have I been so cursed? Five pregnancies, and no living, growing, breathing babies.

It'll will be 3 weeks on Monday since we lost our second baby. It feels like an eternity ago I was pregnant and so full of hope. It feels like I was reading some one else's story line. It doesn't even feel like that happened to me. I have become an expert actress-- I pretend all day that everything is fine, when in reality my heart is completely broken. People say I am so strong and so wise, but why do I feel so powerless and weak? Why do I feel like my life is out of control?

I listened to a podcast the other night talking about Self-Help that Harms. She talked about the power of positive thinking and affirmations and how if you put it out into the universe it will come to you. I did that. Every day I said "My body will accept this pregnancy and my baby will grow." Every day I was thankful for making it another day. Every day I thought my baby was growing. But the fact is, she died. No matter how hard I thought about it, or relaxed, or affirmed it in my mind-- she died. I feel so utterly stupid for believing that just because I thought things would be okay they would be. I feel like such a complete idiot.

This podcast talked about this after-effect I'm feeling. This sense of failure, that I did something wrong, or that I didn't do it right and I failed. This is a dangerous feeling-- I'm eating my emotions, my self-esteem is in the pits, and my thought process is so cloudy, I can't even make decisions without second and third guessing myself (and these decisions can be as easy as what I want to eat).

I know I can't do this alone-- I've made an appointment with the right person to get started with counseling. But with the holidays it's taken longer to get in.

I have to tell you this story though. The week after I was looking into foster-adoption, and I read through all this information about how many children need homes, what the process is, etc. I talked to DH about it briefly but he brushed it off (and since I haven't been able to talk to him about it-- I haven't even told him this story...). The following week, I was grabbing dinner and got a fortune cookie that said, "Your mind is full of new ideas, make use of them." I thought for a second about the whole adoption thing, but didn't think much of it. Right after, I went to the support group in my area for the first time, and this lady here had lost a baby and then adopted a little girl from foster care. She talked about how much she loves her and how she saved her and on and on. Then she says, "my little girl's name is Emma."

If you believe that sometimes people you've loved who are no longer on earth can send you signs or nudges down the right path, then you will not believe this. My great grandmother who I lost a few years ago... her name was Emma. I felt like meeting this lady and hearing her story was my grandmother showing me my path. And this feeling hasn't gone away in a week. I keep thinking about that and how my job will reimburse me up to $2,000 for adopting a child out of our state's system, and how this lady said she would help me, and how I could finally be a parent and still not give up hope for giving birth (my medical insurance covers most testing and ART).

It's been on my heart all week-- and yesterday especially. I can't help but think that He is trying to show me that a door has been closed, but another has been opened.

But, like I said, I don't trust my own judgement right now making decisions. :-\