{Waiting}

After almost passing out at work this afternoon, my boss insisted I go to the doctor today. So I did.

First, I'd like to point out that I'm having pregnancy symptoms galore. Sore girls, heightened sense of smell, exhausted, heartburn, positive pregnancy tests. So there is not a bone in my body that doesn't believe that I am indeed pregnant. Now, I do realize that just because I feel I'm pregnant, doesn't mean there is a healthy pregnancy going on in there.

I get to the doctor's office and tell the nurse what's going on. She then tests my blood count, and does a urine pregnancy test. Now, I've had all sorts of bad luck with urine pregnancy tests at doctor's offices and hospitals, so this one is of course negative. I don't think the nurse let it go long enough though, because like I said, there is no doubt I've gotten plenty of BFPs, and I am pregnant (see above). We move on to what to do, decide on ultrasound because I've been bleeding for two weeks there is a chance I'm hemorrhaging or there is a clot, and this could mean an infection. We also decide to do a beta quant, and run a few other random tests. The ultrasound came up clear-- no clots, tubes/ovaries look good, lining is thick. Tomorrow I'm expecting a low beta quant, followed by a non-doubling repeat on Wednesday, and to have have some sort of "induced miscarriage".  There is a slim, slim, SLIM chance that the numbers will double, and because of this slim chance, I'm on my medication.

The one good thing to come of all this is that this doctor is going to re-do the tests my last doctor did so they are on file in my file. This means that when I go see the next specialist the tests will be there and I won't have to play the "where are your test results" game for three and a half hours.

So we wait. Tomorrow I get the beta result. Tomorrow hopefully I will know what is going on.

This is what I do know for sure: this may be my last attempt at pregnancy for a long, long, long time.

{It's Been Awhile}

So it's been awhile. Honestly, I took a much needed break from everything infertility and TTC. But now, it's over.

A few months ago I had the most frustrating doctor experience to date. I went to see the MFM doctor (high risk OB), and after 3 hours of searching for last lab results, I was given the worst advice ever: keep taking your vitamins. Anyways, at this point I lost all faith in the doctors around here.

Fast forward to two weeks ago, and I start having off and on pregnancy symptoms. We weren't trying, but weren't preventing as well as we should... I take a test. Faint positive. I watch over a few days, and the line gets darker. However, I'm bleeding. After 5 days of this, I finally go to the ER. They do a urine test and tell me its negative (um, that's funny, I just did one two hours ago and it was positive). So they say they're going to do a beta-quant. I wait 2 hours and get tons of bad advice from the ER doctor and physician's assistant for them to tell me my beta is only 25 and I'm miscarrying again. I leave, make it all the way home, then lose it. Again? Really, wtf body?

I pretty much write off the pregnancy at this point and go about my life as normal. I stop testing because at this point I'm bleeding and cramping like a period/early miscarriage. On Friday I got a pool/gym membership and planned on going to swim on Saturday since the bleeding had stopped. But just to be sure, I test Saturday morning and low and behold, a BFP. Yes I know it takes awhile for the hcg to leave your body, but we're talking a dark BFP... not a < 25 BFP. I go buy two different HPTs, both dark BFPs. So I'm still pregnant, "more" pregnant than last week. Call doctor, she is unhelpful, tells me to wait it out and see her this week. (Really? Is ordering another beta too much to ask?)

I didn't take my meds this past week because I was told it was a miscarriage. I picked up my kiddos I watch all week because I thought I was miscarrying. I ate like crap because I was eating my emotions all week. I drank way too much soda on more than one occasion this week because I was supposed to be miscarrying. But surprise! You're still pregnant despite bleeding like crazy and having a very low beta.

I go back on my medicine. Go back to drinking plenty of healthy liquids. And resting.

So now I'm waiting and second guessing everything I did last week and hoping for maybe a miracle. I'm not sure when I'll be able to get in to see the doctor. Part of me just wants to get the bad news out of the way-- go in and get it over with. The more hopeful part of me is thinking maybe this pregnancy is okay. But that part of me has been shattered on more than one occasion.

And while all of this is going on, I realize today that I would be getting ready to give birth to Kaya if she hadn't of died. :( 

{It's Officially Over}

For anyone who's never had a miscarriage or is going through this experience for the first time, a good way to see if it's really over is to pee on a stick. Yes, that same thing you did eagerly waiting for the plus sign is what you can do to see if it's really over. And for me, it's really over. I've felt like AF could return for the last 2 days and sure enough I just got a BFN. It's over. Now what?

I had my follow-up and it didn't go as I expected. In fact, I was completely caught off guard by what the OB had to say. They didn't get the test results back so I was totally off guard by her question of what our plan is. From there it got worse. I don't even really want to talk about it, just know, it was bad. I left crying.

Next week I should get a call with the results and then I will go from there. If it says genetically our baby was fine -- then that gives me a bit of hope. If it says she had a rare genetic disorder that only occurs in .001% of pregnancies -- well that gives me a little bit more hope. If it says that there is something really really wrong (which making it to 8 weeks and seeing a heartbeat-- it doesn't seem like this is the case)... then I don't know. I know I will officially -- finally -- freak out.

I started counseling this week too. I already want a new counselor. That's how great that went. I have to see him 5 more times and then I go see someone else. Stupid health insurance.

Decisions -- just the word is overwhelming right now. I don't want to think about any decisions. I'm amazed I was able to decide on a place to live. I'm amazed when I can decide what I want to eat. I'm amazed when I can go to work and focus on what I'm doing and not feel like I'm floating.

Anyways. That's where I am right now. It's over, but I'm still waiting.
Infertility sucks.

{Definitely the Little Baby That Could}

Definitely. Definitely. Definitely!

This baby is growing. So take that incompetent doctor!

I went to the new doctor today and it was like night and day. Not only did I speak to an actual doctor, she came up with an actual plan to treat what we already know I have working against me, AND she ran more tests "just to be safe". Home run new doctor.

Home run.

Part of the plan was a repeat ultrasound. This made me very, very, very nervous. I had to wait until their regularly scheduled patients had all been seen. As I'm sitting there my hands are shaking, my stomach is in knots, and I think I got up to pee at least three times. Finally I get in and hands are still shaking. The tech was super nice and checks everything then puts it up on the big screen. She points to the baby and says, "there is your absolutely perfect little baby." The heart rate was 113, up from Monday, and everything looked perfect. The doctor came in and agreed. I was so relieved.

I'm 6w2d today. Exactly where I should be with a 43 day cycle. I am so, so, so thankful. I'm still pregnant and everything is fine. ♥

{Take that, incompetant doctor.}

After posting here yesterday I decided to look into other OB offices in the area. I checked my insurance again and there was one doctor listed who wasn't a part of a big group. I check out the website and low and behold, "Infertility" is listed on her site under services! I called and asked the receptionist if the doctor had experience with recurrent miscarriage and pregnancy after loss and she said absolutely. I then tell her what's going on and she says, hang on a moment sweetie, let me look at the schedule. I was afraid she'd say the next appointment was a week away, but she comes back and says, we can get you in Thursday morning. Thursday morning? With no arguments? Heck yes I'll take it. I instantly felt better and felt like maybe I had found an office that actually understood and will give me the appropriate care I need.

I feel guilty about my first pregnancy. I knew something was wrong but I was afraid to stand up for myself. I blame myself for losing my daughter. For not getting the care I knew deep down I needed. I will not let that happen again. I will drive the 300 miles back and pay out of pocket to see my old doctors if I do not find a doctor here that I feel comfortable with and who I feel is given me the treatment I need.

Hopefully tomorrow morning I will be at a better place with a doctor I trust.

{Scared}

I'm home. I called in to work this morning and I thought at first it was because I didn't feel good. As I snoozed I realized that that is not it. I'm scared. Having a "medical professional" tell me I'm going to lose my precious little one at any moment ... who would want to function in their normal life? What if I'm at work if it starts? What if I'm driving? What if I'm standing in line at the store? Or worse, what if it happens and I don't even know?

Thank you midwife for scaring me into not wanting to go anywhere but my bed.

I'm also scared I'll move the wrong way, eat the wrong thing, or do too much walking and cause it to happen. There was a little of that before, but now. Forget about it. I'm scared to death.

I realize this is all borderline crazy and I realize that nothing I do short of not taking my meds will cause this... but still. To be told that you are going to miscarry, not "maybe", not "it's a possibility" {which it's always a possibility}, or "watch out for this or that".... no, to be told. "you. are. going. to miscarry." Who does that?

Besides the mad and scared, I'm also happy with each passing hour that it doesn't happen. Ha! I think, you were wrong lady!! I looked at ultrasound pictures week by week last night and mine looks like a perfectly normal 6w scan according to this site. I realize that the Internet isn't the most reliable source, but it put me at ease.

Ugh. I'm going to be like this until next Monday aren't I? Scared of everything, on pins and needles, feeling every little thing in my body, second guessing every thing... I can do this. I can make it to next Monday and my hope is that everything is going to be alright.

So right now, I'm pregnant. There is a little beating heart. And everything is okay.
Hopefully I can talk some reason into myself...

{The Little Baby That Could?}

I was a nervous wreck all weekend and it only got worse... last night I tossed and turned and woke up every hour afraid I'd overslept. We headed to the office and go in to the dark room. My heart was beating out of my chest. As soon as the screen came up, I saw the little sac and the fluttering heartbeat. I almost started crying... She says the heart rate is 104, and you're measuring around 5 weeks. I was so full of joy. There was the tiny flutter I had hoped for.

Then the appointment went downhill.

First. I have no idea why they are making me see the midwife. The deal with this office is that you have to have your "First OB Appointment" before you see your doctor. I had scheduled it for this Wednesday. I have a doctor picked out {I think}. I go in to see the midwife. She asks about my pregnancy symptoms. I say they are all going strong, but no morning sickness yet. She asks if I'm spotting/cramping, I said nope. Then she says... Well, I don't want to give you false hope, but you're going to miscarry.

W.T.H.?

I'm completely caught off guard by this.

She says the baby is small and the heart rate is too slow and I need to prepare to go to the ER this week.

W.T.H.? Again.

Ok, I'll give you that by my dates I should be 8 weeks. But how many times do I have to have to explain to her that my cycles are 40-50 days. She doesn't seem to understand that I didn't get a BFP until day 43. So yes, by my dates, I'm 3 weeks behind. However, every due date calculator I've used online that takes into account your cycle length {this is the best one I've found: http://www.pregnology.com/} says I'm somewhere in the late 5w - 6w range. Then Dr. Google also says that 104 is a perfectly fine heart rate for an early pregnancy {like the tech said}.

So she has me now crying convinced that my baby is going to die. She says to cancel my first OB appointment {which is what I need according to these people to see a doctor} and to schedule another viability scan next Monday. She then tells me to prepare myself.

I walk out so upset. I almost didn't go to work, but gathered myself and did. I did my research and realized this lady probably has no experience with high-risk pregnancies, or women who do not have a 28-day cycle. My plan is to call the office tomorrow and demand to see a doctor after my scan on Monday. If they say no because I don't have my first OB appointment done, I will kindly remind them they cancelled it for me, and then ask again. If they do not let me see a doctor, I'm going to find a new doctor.

I'm so over this doctor's office. I'm so over being told one thing, then told some thing else. My hope is that this little baby proves her wrong. Because this mama is already totally in love. ♥

{Waiting Game}

Bright and early this morning I headed to the doctor's office. After figuring out the "check in process" I was seen by the mid-wife. Half-way into my extensive history, she looks at me and says, "you need a doctor ASAP." I wanted to tell her "that's what I told you all yesterday, but this was what I could get." Since I'm not experiencing any "unsettling" things... she sent me for a beta and told me to figure out which doctor I wanted to see. She also scheduled an ultrasound for my 8 week appointment. This little thing made me feel like a "normal pregnant" lady...


So I'm waiting on results from the blood test. I knew I wouldn't hear anything today, but I'm hoping in the morning. If I don't hear anything I am probably going to call on my lunch. I know they said they'd call after my second beta, but I would kinda like to know my number from today ASAP. They have this amazing web-based program to manage your Rx and lab results and after I get put into their system I can look up results on my own. I'm fairly excited about that.


I decided today that I just wanted to enjoy being pregnant for the next 24 hours and I have. I daydreamed {against my better judgement} about having a bump, giving birth to a healthy, beautiful baby, announcing at Christmas we are expecting... all the wonderful things that a healthy pregnancy will bring. I researched exercising and how much water I need each day... I looked at healthy recipes to prepare to give my body and baby what it needs. It was absolutely wonderful to be that pregnant lady-- the one who doesn't expect anything to go wrong. To live in that innocence I lost in March 2009.


On the way home I started to feel really bad... not sick, just not right. And immediately I'm taken back to the what-if's... what if my numbers aren't high enough? What if they don't double? What if I make it a few weeks but miscarry again? What if there is no heartbeat? What if... These are all what if's I lived through and survived ... if. Such a funny word. One definition of if is "uncertain possibility". And that's what I'm facing an uncertain possibility. And really, I have little to no control over the situation.


I found myself trying to bargain with God once I started feeling bad. "If you let me keep this baby, I promise to be happy forever and not ask for anything ever again." ... "If you let me keep this baby, I promise to quit my job and help foster kids and shelter animals for the rest of my life." ... "If you let me keep this baby I will..." and the list goes on. As if I could make a deal with God to let this pregnancy be healthy. Then I remember, God already knows how much I want this baby. He already knows how much I love my Angels. He already knows how angry I am that my babies are in heaven and not here with me. I can't barter my way into a healthy pregnancy.


The bottom line is a healthy pregnancy is not something we earn, or something we are awarded. We are not owed a baby after finishing college, getting married, getting a stellar job, and buying a house. We are not owed a baby after losing one {unfortunately}. We are not awarded the privileged and honor of raising a baby. We get lucky. Pregnancy is luck and chance... a combination of circumstances, events, etc., operating by chance to bring good or ill to a person. People who get pregnant easily are lucky, they are not better than us, they are not more deserving than us... they just won the baby lottery. And as much as I hate it-- I feel the same way when a friend has a baby that I would feel if they won a million dollars. Why them and not me? I need a million dollars {baby} just as much as they did.

Anyways. I have a few more precious hours of being pregnant and everything being ok... I am going to enjoy it and hope and pray that everything is ok and will continue to be okay until June. Fingers crossed.

{The Great Doctor Run-Around & How I'm Feeling}

So I will admit first that I was the one who moved away from my great team of doctors I had. I had good reasons to move... but I also knew I'd have to find new doctors. What I didn't expect was to be pregnant before finding said doctor.

The last time I saw doctors A {for future reference this is my original team of doctors}, they ran some tests which came back normal {I hate the word normal as it relates to my fertility woes- normal means 'we don't know what's wrong'}, so I was referred to an Reproductive Endocrinologist {RE}. I found the ONLY one who works in this area and got the next available appointment which was 2 months from the day. My plan was to work-out, eat right, and not worry about trying to get pregnant because that was her job. So, stupidly {in hindsight} I didn't make an appointment with a new "regular" OB GYN {doctors B from now on}.

Well, surprise. You're pregnant.

And by golly, give yourself a gold star because you've stayed pregnant for 5 whole days!

So this morning out of fear that it could be chemical {again} or heaven forbid ectopic {again}, I called doctors B to make an appointment. I politely explained my history and my situation and apologized for finding myself pregnant. Transferred to nurse. Explain again. She then tells me that since I have no established care here they can't see me until I'm 8 weeks {in roughly 2 weeks}. I explain again that I am high-risk and need to have my levels monitored in early pregnancy. Told then to call doctors A who are over 3 hours away. What?! I make the silly 8 week appointment and go to work.

At this point, I'm turned off by this place, however, they are the only ones who have an RE and accept my insurance.

I call doctors A and explain... they say flat out they were not order the blood tests because what if something is wrong? What are they going to do about it 3 hours away. I understand. The lovely nurse tells me to lie {ha ha} and say I'm cramping and spotting to get in quicker. I hatch a better plan.

I call doctors B back. Explain it to receptionist who transfers me to nurse. Explain my WHOLE situation again, but this time I add that my anxiety levels are through the roof because I'm scared something could be wrong, like an ectopic AGAIN, and I'm sure this can't be healthy for a new pregnancy.

{Which in reality, my anxiety levels are pretty good considering.}

Bingo! Well we can get you in tomorrow at 8:20am with the nurse practitioner who can order labs. But then of course she added, this won't be your full first appointment, you'll still have to come back for that.

I tell her that's fine, I'd rather get peace of mind from having my beta's drawn so I know my numbers are ok.

I think at this point, she realizes I'm not your typical newly-pregnant-lady. I'm well informed and aware of the care I need, and I will stand up for myself to get it. I'm not really impressed thus far with doctors B, but I have little choice. I really think I'll end up back home to see my old high-risk specialist at least once.

So after all that, I'm finally set. I tell work I need to come in late and all is set.

In other news, in a panic a few months ago, I bought 50 pregnancy test strips from Amazon.com. I mean at 21 cents a piece they are a steal. So that's what I've been using to test. The line has gotten darker each morning which has given me a great deal of peace of mind, but I decided this afternoon that one of those fancy digital tests which has a higher HCG tolerance would at least let me know my levels were over 25. So I picked up a few on the way home and low and behold....

Seeing in print brings a whole new level to this.

I'm kind of surprised that my anxiety level isn't through the roof... but from the moment I found out I've been sort of detached and at peace. My mantra is "my body will accept and nourish this pregnancy" and whenever I find myself getting nervous, I just say that over and over again. It has helped a lot. While I realize that anything could still go wrong, for some reason I feel like it's going to be okay.