Welcome 2012. I wish changing the calendar would solve all of life's problems.
2011 was yet another year of pain. I am approaching the 3 year anniversary of my daughter getting her wings. 3 years. I really had hoped and thought that by now, I'd have a child. Not only am I approaching that anniversary, but I'm also turning 28 in 6 months. Sure, 28 isn't old, but when your goal was to have your first child by 25... well it stings a lot.
I'm still at an impasse so to speak. I feel like a car that has stalled in the middle of a forked road -- first, I have to figure out how to get my engine going again, and then when that happens, which way do I go? Whatever is wrong with my engine is not a simple fix. I used to have an excitement, a hunger, a passion for life and now it's gone. Taking a low-dose antidepressant has helped, but I obsess over stopping taking it and whether or not I'm dependent on it. Having a week off work has helped me rest and think. Counseling is helping, but I feel like he is just giving me false hope.
Once I figure out how my new normal, then I have to decide what to do. On January 9th I have a "where do we go from here" appointment with my OB. I feel like infertility has taken over my life -- it invades every part of my life. I eat and think "I wonder if there are chemicals in this food that are making me infertile", I look at job postings and think "I wonder if they have good insurance that includes infertility benefits", and I feel bombarded by pregnancy and children where ever I am.
Bombarded.
What is the lesson I'm supposed to be learning from this? My counselor says everything I have been through is to teach me a lesson. Well, I must be a terrible student, because I am not getting it. Is life teaching me that I can't always get what I want? I learned that a long time ago... Patience? I think 3 years and 5 losses has taught me more about patience than I ever really needed to know. How to suffer gracefully? Suffering is going to kill me. How strong I am? I'm so tired of being perceived as strong and wise. I want to be a STRONG MOTHER.
Why is this so freakin' hard?
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Friday, December 2, 2011
{It's Officially Over}
For anyone who's never had a miscarriage or is going through this experience for the first time, a good way to see if it's really over is to pee on a stick. Yes, that same thing you did eagerly waiting for the plus sign is what you can do to see if it's really over. And for me, it's really over. I've felt like AF could return for the last 2 days and sure enough I just got a BFN. It's over. Now what?
I had my follow-up and it didn't go as I expected. In fact, I was completely caught off guard by what the OB had to say. They didn't get the test results back so I was totally off guard by her question of what our plan is. From there it got worse. I don't even really want to talk about it, just know, it was bad. I left crying.
Next week I should get a call with the results and then I will go from there. If it says genetically our baby was fine -- then that gives me a bit of hope. If it says she had a rare genetic disorder that only occurs in .001% of pregnancies -- well that gives me a little bit more hope. If it says that there is something really really wrong (which making it to 8 weeks and seeing a heartbeat-- it doesn't seem like this is the case)... then I don't know. I know I will officially -- finally -- freak out.
I started counseling this week too. I already want a new counselor. That's how great that went. I have to see him 5 more times and then I go see someone else. Stupid health insurance.
Decisions -- just the word is overwhelming right now. I don't want to think about any decisions. I'm amazed I was able to decide on a place to live. I'm amazed when I can decide what I want to eat. I'm amazed when I can go to work and focus on what I'm doing and not feel like I'm floating.
Anyways. That's where I am right now. It's over, but I'm still waiting.
Infertility sucks.
I had my follow-up and it didn't go as I expected. In fact, I was completely caught off guard by what the OB had to say. They didn't get the test results back so I was totally off guard by her question of what our plan is. From there it got worse. I don't even really want to talk about it, just know, it was bad. I left crying.
Next week I should get a call with the results and then I will go from there. If it says genetically our baby was fine -- then that gives me a bit of hope. If it says she had a rare genetic disorder that only occurs in .001% of pregnancies -- well that gives me a little bit more hope. If it says that there is something really really wrong (which making it to 8 weeks and seeing a heartbeat-- it doesn't seem like this is the case)... then I don't know. I know I will officially -- finally -- freak out.
I started counseling this week too. I already want a new counselor. That's how great that went. I have to see him 5 more times and then I go see someone else. Stupid health insurance.
Decisions -- just the word is overwhelming right now. I don't want to think about any decisions. I'm amazed I was able to decide on a place to live. I'm amazed when I can decide what I want to eat. I'm amazed when I can go to work and focus on what I'm doing and not feel like I'm floating.
Anyways. That's where I am right now. It's over, but I'm still waiting.
Infertility sucks.
Friday, November 25, 2011
{Today, I don't feel like a Mother.}
I am a Mother.
I have carried two beautiful babies.
I have loved and dreamed for two beautiful babies.
But today, I don't feel like a Mother.
My arms are empty, but they ache so badly.
I keep thinking about how things could be ... how things are for other people. They get pregnant and the thought that their baby may not survive never even enters into their minds. For me, it's an automatic thought. Why have I been so cursed? Five pregnancies, and no living, growing, breathing babies.
It'll will be 3 weeks on Monday since we lost our second baby. It feels like an eternity ago I was pregnant and so full of hope. It feels like I was reading some one else's story line. It doesn't even feel like that happened to me. I have become an expert actress-- I pretend all day that everything is fine, when in reality my heart is completely broken. People say I am so strong and so wise, but why do I feel so powerless and weak? Why do I feel like my life is out of control?
I listened to a podcast the other night talking about Self-Help that Harms. She talked about the power of positive thinking and affirmations and how if you put it out into the universe it will come to you. I did that. Every day I said "My body will accept this pregnancy and my baby will grow." Every day I was thankful for making it another day. Every day I thought my baby was growing. But the fact is, she died. No matter how hard I thought about it, or relaxed, or affirmed it in my mind-- she died. I feel so utterly stupid for believing that just because I thought things would be okay they would be. I feel like such a complete idiot.
This podcast talked about this after-effect I'm feeling. This sense of failure, that I did something wrong, or that I didn't do it right and I failed. This is a dangerous feeling-- I'm eating my emotions, my self-esteem is in the pits, and my thought process is so cloudy, I can't even make decisions without second and third guessing myself (and these decisions can be as easy as what I want to eat).
I know I can't do this alone-- I've made an appointment with the right person to get started with counseling. But with the holidays it's taken longer to get in.
I have to tell you this story though. The week after I was looking into foster-adoption, and I read through all this information about how many children need homes, what the process is, etc. I talked to DH about it briefly but he brushed it off (and since I haven't been able to talk to him about it-- I haven't even told him this story...). The following week, I was grabbing dinner and got a fortune cookie that said, "Your mind is full of new ideas, make use of them." I thought for a second about the whole adoption thing, but didn't think much of it. Right after, I went to the support group in my area for the first time, and this lady here had lost a baby and then adopted a little girl from foster care. She talked about how much she loves her and how she saved her and on and on. Then she says, "my little girl's name is Emma."
If you believe that sometimes people you've loved who are no longer on earth can send you signs or nudges down the right path, then you will not believe this. My great grandmother who I lost a few years ago... her name was Emma. I felt like meeting this lady and hearing her story was my grandmother showing me my path. And this feeling hasn't gone away in a week. I keep thinking about that and how my job will reimburse me up to $2,000 for adopting a child out of our state's system, and how this lady said she would help me, and how I could finally be a parent and still not give up hope for giving birth (my medical insurance covers most testing and ART).
It's been on my heart all week-- and yesterday especially. I can't help but think that He is trying to show me that a door has been closed, but another has been opened.
But, like I said, I don't trust my own judgement right now making decisions. :-\
I have carried two beautiful babies.
I have loved and dreamed for two beautiful babies.
But today, I don't feel like a Mother.
My arms are empty, but they ache so badly.
I keep thinking about how things could be ... how things are for other people. They get pregnant and the thought that their baby may not survive never even enters into their minds. For me, it's an automatic thought. Why have I been so cursed? Five pregnancies, and no living, growing, breathing babies.
It'll will be 3 weeks on Monday since we lost our second baby. It feels like an eternity ago I was pregnant and so full of hope. It feels like I was reading some one else's story line. It doesn't even feel like that happened to me. I have become an expert actress-- I pretend all day that everything is fine, when in reality my heart is completely broken. People say I am so strong and so wise, but why do I feel so powerless and weak? Why do I feel like my life is out of control?
I listened to a podcast the other night talking about Self-Help that Harms. She talked about the power of positive thinking and affirmations and how if you put it out into the universe it will come to you. I did that. Every day I said "My body will accept this pregnancy and my baby will grow." Every day I was thankful for making it another day. Every day I thought my baby was growing. But the fact is, she died. No matter how hard I thought about it, or relaxed, or affirmed it in my mind-- she died. I feel so utterly stupid for believing that just because I thought things would be okay they would be. I feel like such a complete idiot.
This podcast talked about this after-effect I'm feeling. This sense of failure, that I did something wrong, or that I didn't do it right and I failed. This is a dangerous feeling-- I'm eating my emotions, my self-esteem is in the pits, and my thought process is so cloudy, I can't even make decisions without second and third guessing myself (and these decisions can be as easy as what I want to eat).
I know I can't do this alone-- I've made an appointment with the right person to get started with counseling. But with the holidays it's taken longer to get in.
I have to tell you this story though. The week after I was looking into foster-adoption, and I read through all this information about how many children need homes, what the process is, etc. I talked to DH about it briefly but he brushed it off (and since I haven't been able to talk to him about it-- I haven't even told him this story...). The following week, I was grabbing dinner and got a fortune cookie that said, "Your mind is full of new ideas, make use of them." I thought for a second about the whole adoption thing, but didn't think much of it. Right after, I went to the support group in my area for the first time, and this lady here had lost a baby and then adopted a little girl from foster care. She talked about how much she loves her and how she saved her and on and on. Then she says, "my little girl's name is Emma."
If you believe that sometimes people you've loved who are no longer on earth can send you signs or nudges down the right path, then you will not believe this. My great grandmother who I lost a few years ago... her name was Emma. I felt like meeting this lady and hearing her story was my grandmother showing me my path. And this feeling hasn't gone away in a week. I keep thinking about that and how my job will reimburse me up to $2,000 for adopting a child out of our state's system, and how this lady said she would help me, and how I could finally be a parent and still not give up hope for giving birth (my medical insurance covers most testing and ART).
It's been on my heart all week-- and yesterday especially. I can't help but think that He is trying to show me that a door has been closed, but another has been opened.
But, like I said, I don't trust my own judgement right now making decisions. :-\
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