7th Time's a Charm?

Well, when I last left you I was in the midst of losing my 6th pregnancy. But something good did come from this-- Dr. J, a RE. My OBGyn was giving me the "maybe it's time to give up speech" when I asked her if I could be referred to a RE who deals with recurring pregnancy loss. A few months later I was sitting in Dr. J's office with the official diagnosis of "unexplained infertility", going over the plan for trying again.

Maybe I'm crazy.

No wait, I am. To a normal, sane person saying I'm going to try for the 7th time to have a healthy, successful pregnancy sounds completely absurd. Because in all odds, I will lose another baby... but Dr. J has given me the confidence to try again-- every test has been done, all normal except for the MTHFR and elevated ANA. All of the data has been analyzed, and he has made a plan. Femara CD3-7 to speed up ovulation. Intralipid infusions, lovenox, baby aspirin, folic acid, progesterone, the full court press he calls it. Ultrasound CD12 to see if there are any mature follicles ready to go. Trigger, um, *ahem, get DH involved in this process*, 2ww. Beta. Repeat Beta. Early ultrasound if positive. A plan. It's been awhile since I've had one of those.

I'm currently waiting to start cycling, but ya know since this is the first time in three years I've wanted CD1 to show up, she's not. And no, there is no possible way I'm pregnant. I was under strict doctor's orders not to be.

One year ago I was pregnant with Kaya. I can't believe it's been a year. I'm getting ready to do the SHARE Walk this weekend, and for the first time ever, my girls' names will be read together. I will hear their names out loud, and get to honor their memories. There isn't a day that goes by that my heart does not ache for them.

<3

{The Longest Wait for Beta Results, Ever.}

Well folks, we drew blood for a beta on Monday. It's Wednesday night and still no results. This is a next day test folks. Not a next week test. I might hear something tomorrow. If not, I'm going to have to leave a message for the doctor and ask what I should be doing. Still getting very positive tests, still having tons of symptoms.

I wonder how much the equipment costs to run my own beta blood tests?

{Waiting}

After almost passing out at work this afternoon, my boss insisted I go to the doctor today. So I did.

First, I'd like to point out that I'm having pregnancy symptoms galore. Sore girls, heightened sense of smell, exhausted, heartburn, positive pregnancy tests. So there is not a bone in my body that doesn't believe that I am indeed pregnant. Now, I do realize that just because I feel I'm pregnant, doesn't mean there is a healthy pregnancy going on in there.

I get to the doctor's office and tell the nurse what's going on. She then tests my blood count, and does a urine pregnancy test. Now, I've had all sorts of bad luck with urine pregnancy tests at doctor's offices and hospitals, so this one is of course negative. I don't think the nurse let it go long enough though, because like I said, there is no doubt I've gotten plenty of BFPs, and I am pregnant (see above). We move on to what to do, decide on ultrasound because I've been bleeding for two weeks there is a chance I'm hemorrhaging or there is a clot, and this could mean an infection. We also decide to do a beta quant, and run a few other random tests. The ultrasound came up clear-- no clots, tubes/ovaries look good, lining is thick. Tomorrow I'm expecting a low beta quant, followed by a non-doubling repeat on Wednesday, and to have have some sort of "induced miscarriage".  There is a slim, slim, SLIM chance that the numbers will double, and because of this slim chance, I'm on my medication.

The one good thing to come of all this is that this doctor is going to re-do the tests my last doctor did so they are on file in my file. This means that when I go see the next specialist the tests will be there and I won't have to play the "where are your test results" game for three and a half hours.

So we wait. Tomorrow I get the beta result. Tomorrow hopefully I will know what is going on.

This is what I do know for sure: this may be my last attempt at pregnancy for a long, long, long time.

{It's Been Awhile}

So it's been awhile. Honestly, I took a much needed break from everything infertility and TTC. But now, it's over.

A few months ago I had the most frustrating doctor experience to date. I went to see the MFM doctor (high risk OB), and after 3 hours of searching for last lab results, I was given the worst advice ever: keep taking your vitamins. Anyways, at this point I lost all faith in the doctors around here.

Fast forward to two weeks ago, and I start having off and on pregnancy symptoms. We weren't trying, but weren't preventing as well as we should... I take a test. Faint positive. I watch over a few days, and the line gets darker. However, I'm bleeding. After 5 days of this, I finally go to the ER. They do a urine test and tell me its negative (um, that's funny, I just did one two hours ago and it was positive). So they say they're going to do a beta-quant. I wait 2 hours and get tons of bad advice from the ER doctor and physician's assistant for them to tell me my beta is only 25 and I'm miscarrying again. I leave, make it all the way home, then lose it. Again? Really, wtf body?

I pretty much write off the pregnancy at this point and go about my life as normal. I stop testing because at this point I'm bleeding and cramping like a period/early miscarriage. On Friday I got a pool/gym membership and planned on going to swim on Saturday since the bleeding had stopped. But just to be sure, I test Saturday morning and low and behold, a BFP. Yes I know it takes awhile for the hcg to leave your body, but we're talking a dark BFP... not a < 25 BFP. I go buy two different HPTs, both dark BFPs. So I'm still pregnant, "more" pregnant than last week. Call doctor, she is unhelpful, tells me to wait it out and see her this week. (Really? Is ordering another beta too much to ask?)

I didn't take my meds this past week because I was told it was a miscarriage. I picked up my kiddos I watch all week because I thought I was miscarrying. I ate like crap because I was eating my emotions all week. I drank way too much soda on more than one occasion this week because I was supposed to be miscarrying. But surprise! You're still pregnant despite bleeding like crazy and having a very low beta.

I go back on my medicine. Go back to drinking plenty of healthy liquids. And resting.

So now I'm waiting and second guessing everything I did last week and hoping for maybe a miracle. I'm not sure when I'll be able to get in to see the doctor. Part of me just wants to get the bad news out of the way-- go in and get it over with. The more hopeful part of me is thinking maybe this pregnancy is okay. But that part of me has been shattered on more than one occasion.

And while all of this is going on, I realize today that I would be getting ready to give birth to Kaya if she hadn't of died. :( 

{Stalled at a Fork in the Road}

Welcome 2012. I wish changing the calendar would solve all of life's problems.

2011 was yet another year of pain. I am approaching the 3 year anniversary of my daughter getting her wings. 3 years. I really had hoped and thought that by now, I'd have a child. Not only am I approaching that anniversary, but I'm also turning 28 in 6 months. Sure, 28 isn't old, but when your goal was to have your first child by 25... well it stings a lot.

I'm still at an impasse so to speak. I feel like a car that has stalled in the middle of a forked road -- first, I have to figure out how to get my engine going again, and then when that happens, which way do I go? Whatever is wrong with my engine is not a simple fix. I used to have an excitement, a hunger, a passion for life and now it's gone. Taking a low-dose antidepressant has helped, but I obsess over stopping taking it and whether or not I'm dependent on it. Having a week off work has helped me rest and think. Counseling is helping, but I feel like he is just giving me false hope.

Once I figure out how my new normal, then I have to decide what to do. On January 9th I have a "where do we go from here" appointment with my OB. I feel like infertility has taken over my life -- it invades every part of my life. I eat and think "I wonder if there are chemicals in this food that are making me infertile", I look at job postings and think "I wonder if they have good insurance that includes infertility benefits", and I feel bombarded by pregnancy and children where ever I am.

Bombarded.

What is the lesson I'm supposed to be learning from this? My counselor says everything I have been through is to teach me a lesson. Well, I must be a terrible student, because I am not getting it. Is life teaching me that I can't always get what I want? I learned that a long time ago... Patience? I think 3 years and 5 losses has taught me more about patience than I ever really needed to know. How to suffer gracefully? Suffering is going to kill me. How strong I am? I'm so tired of being perceived as strong and wise. I want to be a STRONG MOTHER.

Why is this so freakin' hard?