{Stalled at a Fork in the Road}

Welcome 2012. I wish changing the calendar would solve all of life's problems.

2011 was yet another year of pain. I am approaching the 3 year anniversary of my daughter getting her wings. 3 years. I really had hoped and thought that by now, I'd have a child. Not only am I approaching that anniversary, but I'm also turning 28 in 6 months. Sure, 28 isn't old, but when your goal was to have your first child by 25... well it stings a lot.

I'm still at an impasse so to speak. I feel like a car that has stalled in the middle of a forked road -- first, I have to figure out how to get my engine going again, and then when that happens, which way do I go? Whatever is wrong with my engine is not a simple fix. I used to have an excitement, a hunger, a passion for life and now it's gone. Taking a low-dose antidepressant has helped, but I obsess over stopping taking it and whether or not I'm dependent on it. Having a week off work has helped me rest and think. Counseling is helping, but I feel like he is just giving me false hope.

Once I figure out how my new normal, then I have to decide what to do. On January 9th I have a "where do we go from here" appointment with my OB. I feel like infertility has taken over my life -- it invades every part of my life. I eat and think "I wonder if there are chemicals in this food that are making me infertile", I look at job postings and think "I wonder if they have good insurance that includes infertility benefits", and I feel bombarded by pregnancy and children where ever I am.

Bombarded.

What is the lesson I'm supposed to be learning from this? My counselor says everything I have been through is to teach me a lesson. Well, I must be a terrible student, because I am not getting it. Is life teaching me that I can't always get what I want? I learned that a long time ago... Patience? I think 3 years and 5 losses has taught me more about patience than I ever really needed to know. How to suffer gracefully? Suffering is going to kill me. How strong I am? I'm so tired of being perceived as strong and wise. I want to be a STRONG MOTHER.

Why is this so freakin' hard?